The Misadventures of the FFVII Crew
by deamondragon
Summary: the title says it all. another fic done by BL and DD
1. Sephiroth and the Knot

DD: Hi everybody. Me and BL are back with yet another fic!

BL: Yep this time it's a FFVII one and it's about the misadventures of the FFVII crew.

DD: hence the title.

BL//chasing Sephiroth/ the first one's about you! The first one's about you//Repeats for a really long time/

Sephiroth: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! GET HER AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

DD: so you all know Sephy here has a terrible fear of BL.

Sephiroth//still running and Cloud is laughing his ass off/ SHUT THE FUCK UP//takes out masamune and cuts Cloud's hair off/ HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

BL//falls over from intense laughter/ HAHAHAHAHAHAHA you look dumber than usual.

Cloud: ;; /runs away crying/ my hair my big spiky hair

DD: speaking of hair that's what the first chapter is about.

Sephiroth//instantly stops laughing/ what are you gonna do to my hair /starts paniking/ don't hurt my hair

BL//evil smile/ yea Sephy we're gonna turn it /wispers in his ear/ blonde

Sephiroth: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH /BIG BREATH/ AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH /runs away/

DD: now look what you did

BL: as you know we're not really gonna turn his hair blonde.

DD: I know. Cuz then I'd have to kill you.

BL: ok...let's get on with the fic, Cid do the disclaimer.

Cid: deamondragon and thegreatblsama don't own fucking FFVII, so don't fucking sue them, CUZ THEN YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID! Okay, bye.

The Misadventures of the FFVII Crew: Chapter1

Sephy and the Knot

Sephiroth was taking a LONG VACATION in Costa Del Sol and was running his fingers through his silky beautiful hair when his hand got stuck and couldn't go through to the end of the strands.

Sephiroth//tugging slightly at his hair/ what?...what is this?...why can't my hand go any further?...AHHHHHHHHHHH..this must be the work of some demon or worse...Cloud

Tifa is also on a LONG VACATION and heard Sephiroth scream...from the Gold Saucer. She gets on a bike and rides over to Costa Del Sol and goes into the inn where Sephiroth is staying.

Tifa//sees Sephiroth on the couch crying/ ummm...what's wrong?

Sephiroth//tries to run his fingers through his hair and gets stopped...again/ see it won't go any further. It's the work of your deranged boyfriend

Tifa: first of all he's not my boyfriend, just a guy that wishes and next he's not smart enough to think of something like that. Lastly you just have a knot.

Sephiroth: knot...what is this "knot" you speak of?

Tifa: ummm...it's when your hair gets tangled together.

Sephiroth: tangled?

Tifa: some hair gets stuck together and forms a ball. Kinda like this /holds up a fist/

Sephiroth//gets into a defensive position/ don't hit me /rubs face/ your hits hurt.

Tifa: I'm not gonna hit you. Let me help you with that. /takes out hairbrush/

Sephiroth//takes out masamune and takes huge leap backward/ BARBARIAN!

Tifa: it's just a hairbrush

Sephiroth: your not putting that thing in my beautiful hair /runs fingers through hair and gets stuck...yet again/

Tifa: it's not gonna hurt...much

Sephiroth: NO...GET AWAY

Tifa: GET BACK HERE

After awhile Tifa finally wrestles Sephiroth to the ground. He's kicking and screaming like a 2-year-old.

Sephiroth: NO..LEAVE ME ALONE DON'T DO IT. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Meanwhile...Outside

The townspeople are running and screaming in fear of whatever deranged monster is in the inn. AKA Cloud

Random Townsperson #1: RUN CLOUDS BACK

Random Townsperson #2: That didn't sound like him.

RT#1: STILL WE SOULD RUN LIKE IT IS CLOUD

RT#2: though it is not

RT#1&2: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Back in the inn Tifa has finished brushing Sephiroth's hair and got up off the floor

Tifa: there all done

Sephiroth: huh?

Tifa: that wasn't too bad was it...and your knot is gone

Sephiroth//runs fingers all the way through his hair...finally/ it's gone...IT'S REALLY GONE!

Tifa: ...okay, I'm just gonna leave now... /starts walking to front door/

Sephiroth: WAIT!

Tifa//stops/ what?

Sephiroth: gimmie that

Tifa: what?

Sephiroth: that /points at brush in her hand/

Tifa: but this is my brush. Get your own

Sephiroth: but I want that one

Tifa: too bad, it's mine. I spent a whole 10 gil on this.

Sephiroth: GIMMIE//tackles her/

Tifa: get off me!

Sephiroth: not until you give it to me!

Innkeeper: HEY! If your gonna do that at least rent a room...only 200 gil (an-sorry if this isn't the right price we are on the third disk and all the guy wants to do is sleep)

/choice box pops up/

1. rent a room 2. keep fighting 3. kill the innkeeper for thinking that way

Tifa: ummm... what should we do?

Sephiroth: I'm liking that third choice

Tifa: but...that's just mean

Sephiroth: how bout we do 3 first, then 1, then 2

Tifa: ...okay

And so they did the choice box in that order.

THE END

DD: ok everybody you know what happens now

BL: sneak peek, sneak peek!

DD: WRONG

BL: oh the other thing...wait...what's that again?

DD//falls down anime style/ click on that little purple box on the bottom left hand corner of your screen. You know...the one that says submit review. AND REVIEW DAMNIT

BL: that wasn't very nice now thanks to you they're not gonna review.

DD: sorry...lost the cool but the cool is back

BL: so please review. Next up Cloud and the Rubber Band. Sneak peek!

/insert picture of rubber band here/

DD: ok...c ya

BL: bye bye for now!


	2. Cloud and the Rubber Band

DD: BL is sleeping right now, and it will just feel too weird if I just start talking randomly. She's the talker, not me. So I'll have Sephiroth do the disclaimer.

Sephiroth: they don't own anything except this fic, and if you think otherwise//pulls out Masamune/ Mr. Masamune will have to have a word with your insides.

BL: zzzzz /talking in sleep/ zzz...on with..zzzzzz...the...fic..ZZZZZZ

The Misadventures of the FVII Crew: Chapter 2

Cloud and the Rubber Band

Cloud was walking in the Nibelheim mansion when he spotted a rubber band on a desk.

Cloud: what's this//picks up rubber band and stretches it/

After a few long minutes of inspecting the rubber band, Cloud starts to make some shapes with it.

Cloud//making the shapes as he recites what they are/ angel, devil, bat mobile, cats cradle...

Vincent walks in the room, and is curious as to what Cloud is doing, so he asks...

Vincent: Cloud, what are you doing?

Cloud//holding up a bear face shape in the band/ look! It's smoky the bear!

Vincent: uh...yea... /watching Cloud make more shapes and is getting tired of his nonsense and stupidity/ can I see that for a sec?

Cloud: sure if you really want to

Vincent//evilly/ say, how do you make those shape things? I would like to learn. /stretching the rubber band really far until.../

Rubber Band//snap/

Vincent: oops, I broke it. /hands it back to Cloud/ oh well /turns and walks away with an evil smirk on his face/

Cloud//stares at the rubber band, with tears in his eyes/ smoky.../sniff sniff/ you were so young and full of life//starts bawling like a baby/

Sad Violin music plays in the background

Cloud: I guess the right thing to do is to give you a proper burial

The next day, in the backyard of the mansion (a/n- if it has one) the 'guests' are standing around, wondering why Cloud has invited them all here. They include: Tifa, Barret, Cid, Yuffie, Red XIII, Cait Sith, Vincent, Aeris (He has revived her just for this occasion), all the Turks, Rufus and his bodyguards, and Sephiroth.

Cid: does anyone what the hell is going on!

Barret: I don kno foo' I am jus as clueless as you are.

Tifa: and that's supposed to surprise us?

Barret and Cid: HEY!

Yuffie//hugs Reno/ long time no see /walks away/

Reno: what was that about?

Tseng: better check your pockets

Reno//does and discovers that his wallet is gone/ what? Why you little//chases Yuffie around the yard/

Cloud comes out of the mansion wearing a black dress with a black veil

VERY LONG SILENCE

Sephiroth//breaks the silence/ HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA /falls over with laughter/ that's what you wanted to show us? That you were a crossdresser//laughs even more/ HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Cloud//in tears/ someone very dear to me has passed away

Aeris//to Tifa/ is he talking about me?

Tifa: no, cause then he wouldn't have revived you

Aeris: oh /in tears/ he didn't care as much about me as this other person. He only put me in water!

Cloud//oblivious to what she was saying/ I thank you for your tears Aeris, but cry as you might, they will not bring him back to me.

This statement causes Vincent and Cid to join Sephiroth in laughter, with Vincent being the loudest, which is very strange, being that he never laughs.

Vincent goes over and tells Sephiroth and Cid about the 'rubber band', which causes a HUGE explosion of laughter.

Meanwhile, at Vincent's waterfall...

Lucrecia: is that Vincent? And Sephiroth? And some other guy? Nah it's probably my imagination. /resumes playing Solitaire/

Back at the Mansion Cloud finally notices the laughter, and gets very upset

Cloud: so you all know, my friend didn't just die, he was...MURDERED!

All//gasp/

Rufus: wait a sec. That's not that surprising. Most people that this guy comes in contact with do die in some twisted, murdering, tragic way. Like Aeris for example. She was stabbed in the back and no blood came out. What's up with that//Shinra hair flick/

Cloud: can we please stay on topic? Anyway, this friend of mine was killed...by him//points/

Random Townsperson: who me?

Cloud: not you, I don't even know you, HIM /points to Vincent/

Vincent: I don't know what you are talking about, I didn't kill anyone

Cloud: you killed Smoky! You stretched him, and stretched him, and then, SNAP! You broke him in half//cries very very loud/

Tifa: Vincent, what the hell is going on?

Barret: yea foo', I like to kno to.

Vincent//trying to hold back laughter/ I broke a freaking rubber band. And he's accusing me of 1st degree murder. /rolls over laughing/

Yuffie//still holding Reno's wallet/ WHAT?

Red XIII: you called us down here..for a rubber band?

Cloud: I know you didn't appreciate him, but at least I thought you'd be here for me.

Sephiroth: you are truly pathetic. I'm outta here.

Cid: unless there is one of those after death party thingies, I'm outta here too.

Everyone//nods in agreement/

Cloud: oh yeah, I forgot, food's in the house.

Everyone: HOORAY//runs in house/

Cloud//still outside and puts the box holding 'Smoky' in the hole that he dug/ I'll miss you...

Vincent//walks up behind him/ you know, I feel kinda bad knowing that your so simple minded and breaking your rubber band, so here /hands him a paper clip/

Cloud//overwhelmed with joy/ thanks Vinny! I'll call him Fluffy! C'mon Fluffy, lets go get some food. /runs in house/

Vincent//shaking his head due to Cloud's stupidity/ poor child /walks in house to get some food/

THE END

DD: I hope you all found that amusing

BL: I did I did!

Sephiroth: me too. I knew the kid was stupid, but this was just hilarious.

Cloud//sniff/ Smoky...poor Smoky..but now I got Fluffy!

DD//Dr Evil impersonation/ riiight

BL: poor simple minded fool...are there any leftovers from that party?

Cloud: yea, in the house

BL: thanks//runs in house to stuff face/

DD: umm, yea, please review and coming soon, Mr. Computer, meet Mr. Death Penalty

BL//mouth full of food/ me moo oon (translation: See you soon)


	3. Mr Computer Meet Mr Death Penalty

DD: sorry it took us so long to update.

BL: yea, cuz YOU didn't want to write, CUZ YOU'RE A BUM//fumes with anger/

DD: when was there ever a time when we could actually write a chapter? We barely had five minutes each day//anime angry temple thingy/

BL: that's not true! We had more time! You just didn't want to write, cuz you were playing ps2!

DD: you never even asked! I'm not a mind reader you know.

BL: I DID SO ASK YOU!

DD: AND EVEN IF I SAID NO, YOU SHOULD HAVE REMINDED ME OF OUR MANY READERS! THEN I WOULD HAVE BEEN ON THE COMPUTER FASTER THAN YOU COULD SAY...SOMETHING!

BL: WHAT! WHY YOU LITTLE...!

/dust cloud appears/

Vincent//walks in/ there they go again. /anime sigh/ what ARE we going to do with you two...?

Cloud//skips in//singing/ I love you fluffy! You're my bestest friend in the entire universe!

Vincent: Hey Cloud, since those two are busy, why don't you do the disclaimer?

Cloud//whiny/ but me and fluffy were just about to get some ice crea-

Vincent: JUST DO IT! OTHERWISE.../evilly/ snap! Bye bye fluffy!

Cloud: NOOOOOOOO//clutches "fluffy"/ okay, I'll do it. /sniff/ deamondragon and /sniff/ thegreatblsama do not /sniff/ own /sniff/ Final Fantasy VII /sniff/

Vincent: good boy.

Cloud//runs away with tears in his eyes/ on with the /sniff/ fic /cries very very loudly/ Fluffy, I will never let you die at the hands of that SPOONY VAMPIRE!

Vincent: WHO ARE YOU CALLING A SPOONY VAMPIRE//chases him/

The Misadventures of the FFVII Crew: Chapter 3

Mr. Computer, Meet Mr. Death Penalty

Vincent was taking a very long walk down a Nibelheim road, VERY pissed off.

Vincent//mumbling/ I am not a spoony vampire. DO VAMPIRES EVEN EXIST?

Random Person: SHUT THE HELL UP YOU SPOONY VAMPIRE!

Vincent: YOU//shoots him/

Random Person//dead/

Vincent: I am NOT a spoony vampire...

Vincent walks into Nibelheim mansion to be greeted by...

...Cloud.

Cloud: HI VINNY!

Vincent: do NOT call me that, and what the hell are you doing here!

Cloud: someone is very cranky today.

Vincent: CRANKY? I'LL SHOW YOU CRANKY//goes to strangle Cloud/

Cloud: did ya get my E-mail?

Vincent: E-what?

Cloud: E-mail silly. I made your own screen name and /gasp/ oh my goodness! I forgot to tell you about it! Silly me!

Vincent: you made me a what?

Cloud: come here//grabs Vincent's arm and drags him into the other room, where the computer is already on/

Vincent//looks at it disgusted/ what is THAT THING doing in MY house?

Cloud: YOUR house//happily/ this is OUR HOUSE!

Vincent: no, you just wish-

Cloud: ANYWAY! This here, is a computer!

Vincent: okay

Cloud: now, let me just log onto the internet and.../computer makes the dial up noises going on the internet/

Vincent//jumps back/ WHAT WAS THAT SOUND?

Cloud: that was just the computer you silly. Your such a silly Vinny.

Vincent: I thought I told you NOT to call me that!

Cloud: this is your screen name.

Vincent: "SpoonyVampire323 at yahoo dot com?" /fumes with anger/ I AM NOT A SPOONY VAMPIRE, NOR AM I A YAHOO!

Cloud: no, that's just where you're screen name is located.

Vincent//getting angrier/ SO, YOU THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY THAT A "SPOONY VAMPIRE" SHOULD BE LOCATED AT A YAHOO!

Cloud: no, that's just where your homepage is.

Vincent: I AM NOT A SPOONY VAMPIRE!

Cloud: I am just gonna leave you guys here to get more aquatinted.

Vincent: YOU ACT LIKE IT'S ALIVE!

/Cloud leaves/

Vincent//stares at computer/ are you mocking me?

Computer//stares back/

Vincent: STOP MOCKING ME!

/aim message pops up with user named "Hooters456"/

Hooters456: hey vincent!

Vincent//falls backwards over chair/ AHHHH! WHAT IS THIS THING?

Hooters456: its tifa

Vincent: this "thing" is called a tifa?

Hooters456: hello? R u there?

Vincent: hmmmm../looks at keyboard/ perhaps I'm supposed to push these little buttons to answer back.

SpoonyVampire323: gsukwfheiagdsuhgsdhehirhi

Hooters456: r u on drugs?

Vincent: how dare this "tifa" insult me//hits caps lock/

SpoonyVampire323: HADVUHHGIOGBGFWEGY'GIHINEWHGY!

Hooters456: r u trying 2 curse me out? cid does it differently.

Vincent: WHO IS THIS CID//shakes screen/ I DEMAND TO KNOW WHO HE IS!

Hooters456: he does it more like this:

Hooters456: #$$# &&$#

Vincent: WHAT ARE THESE SYMBOLS//gasp/ THIS "TIFA" IS TRYING TO CURSE ME! WELL, I WONT LET YOU!

Hooters456: well, you r boring me

Vincent: I AM NOT BORING!

Hooters456: I'll c ya around

/Hooters456 logs off/

Vincent: "logs off"? what is this "logs off"? I DEMAND TO KNOW! TELL ME!

/another AIM message pops up/

Vincent//falls backwards over chair...again/ WHAT?...ANOTHER "TIFA"?

IMEVIL666: guess who

Vincent: its "tifa" I KNOW! YOU'RE A TIFA!

IMEVIL666: u there, or r u 2 stupid 2 kno how 2 use a computer?

Vincent: YOU ARE STILL MOCKING ME//anger rising/

IMEVIL666: MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Vincent: THAT'S IT//takes out Death Penalty and shoots the computer screen multiple times/ DIE "TIFA"!

/Computer speakers make AIM 'bling' sound/

Vincent: I CANNOT SEE YOU AND YET YOU STILL MOCK ME//shoots speakers and hell...and the rest of the computer/

Computer//dead/

Vincent//panting/ THAT WILL TEACH YOU TO MOCK ME!

/Cloud walks in/

Cloud: WHAT DID YOU DO?

Vincent: IT WAS MOCKING ME! THAT THING CALLED "TIFA" WAS MOCKING ME!

Cloud: you were talking to Tifa!

Vincent: YES IT CALLED ITSELF TIFA! IT FIRST APPEARED AS "HOOTERS456", THEN IT CAME BACK AS "IMEVIL666"! BUT I SHOWED IT!

Cloud//sarcastically/ yep, you showed it.

Meanwhile...

Sephiroth: THAT BASTARD, HE DIDN'T EVEN TALK BACK BEFORE HE LOGGED OFF!

/is talking to Hooters456/

IMEVIL666: he didn't say goodbye. Idiot, he probably doesn't even kno how 2 use a computer.

Hooters456: I have to agree wit u there sephy.

IMEVIL666: DO NOT CALL ME THAT! Wait, y r u agreeing wit me n e way?

Hooters456: well, because when I was talkin to him, all he wrote was random letters

IMEVIL666: oh...what an idiot.

End Chapter

DD: just to let you all know, we don't own yahoo or AIM.

BL: and the spelling is supposed to be that way, cuz its how most peeps talk to each other on AIM.

DD: oh, and don't forget to review.

BL: next chapter is...

Both: Why is Meteor Pink?

BL: c ya soon!

Vincent: I SHOWED THEM ALL! ALL TIFAS WILL BOW TO ME!


End file.
